notice this and do not allow stereotypes influence your relationship
Think of other people who are good company. What are their traits?
To make someone comfortable, we must ourselves be comfortable
Mirroring is not mimicking
Try longer eye contact (gaze)
To be interesting, be interested.
Try approaching other people with interest. Everyone is interesting. Try discovering as much information as possible without asking directly “hey, what are interesting for?”
Ask questions. Try guessing—person either agree or correct and provide more information. Try guessing emotions, or how they feel about something.
5 steps to calm someone down
1. Confirm an emotion: “I got this feeling that you are angry. I that true?”
2. Gauge how big it is for them and allow them to vent. “How upset are you?”
When people are angry (or experience negative emotions toward you), ask how they feel. It doesn’t matter how they respond. What matters is that you give them a pass to vent
3. “What needs to happens for you to feel better?”
4. “What part can I play in making that happen?”
5. “What part can you play in making that happen?”
You don’t have to be interested in that what other person is interested in. But you can be interested in their interest.
Maintain space requirements
Look at how other people communicate and what nonverbal signals they use
People Place Information Activities Things
Touch more
Chapter 7 — write out 9 recommendations
Reframe — hear what others say and redirect into more positive
When people express a generic complaint (e.g., I am bad at …), try to understand how they experience it.
It’s useful to drive them to the last time they experienced it.
“When was the last time you experienced it?,” then ask what they experienced. (That will help them remember more clearly.)
People’s outfit supports their story of themselves. You can ask about specific aspects to get to know how they feel about it.
Switch between me/you/other perspectives to get a full picture of a situation.
Toxic people are people who do not have you-perspective.
It’s usually not worth spending much of your time on them. Move them away from your life or accept they will never change.
Tell stories.
Listener instinctively associates with the protagonist and can’t help but experience what you’re telling. They will hear your point even if they don’t want to listen to it.